When In Doubt, Feel

January is frenetical. People are running around with their New Year’s resolutions, committing, making to-do list and creating action plans.

Got nothing against; it just makes me a tad nostalgic. I used to be that person. Three days ago, to be precise, I was still that person. Since then, I decided, it’s no longer fun to be her.

A woman in doubt is buying time for her fears. And I decided I am no longer that woman.

A lot of decisiveness soaring through my words.

How It All Began Or Where It All Stopped

Lately, I’ve been waking up in the morning with smiles and joy. A practice I catered to the last months. My norm used to be snoozing until noon, being moody and playing small throughout my 12 awake hours. I thought I was past it, but here it is, the challenge that makes you stronger.

I woke up this very morning, feeling my smile fading, my thoughts luring me into the fatalistic “What will you do?” The fluffy cloud of anxiety gently swaying in my direction, I could hear Why does it always rain on me increasing in volume.

This used to be the scenario that started a day of all sorts of stories about self-worth, what I should have achieved by now, who I am not and how grim my future is portrayed. There I was, still half-asleep, witnessing the dismantle of my commitments.

A short cut into the story – had I not mentioned I had committed to no longer let my mind draw me into these tedious and terribly boring and useless states? Silly me, I was probably keeping it for later.

Going back, my self-doubt with a pinch of a guilt taste were waltzing off with my self-trust. I switched to safe mode navigation which to me looks something like “Ok, so, I’ll give it another month. If my business does not take off, I’ll go back to a safe haven, compromise, work for someone else, support them in achieving their dreams. Screw my freedom! I’ll marry a middle-class engineer called Bob, we’ll take a 30-years credit, buy a small apartment, live in a congested city, be miserable and take it all out on my kids, whom I conceived only out of the mere satisfaction I’ll have someone to pass on my dreams to, hoping they’ll have a better shot at them. We can’t have it all, can we?” Chippy, isn’t it?

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Image credit: Allef Vinicius

Enter Mr. Sandman

Luckily, I’m a drummer wanna-be, so I also have some other hunting soundtracks, one in particular that puts me in my passionately angry mode. Lars, I’m forever grateful. Doubt has no space in front of decisiveness. It crumbles and dissolves. I had decided I was no longer that person and time for payment was due. I rose. Literally, I took back my headspace, my body back from my mind’s enmeshment and asked it to feel. Guided by Danielle Laporte’s The Fire Starter Sessions I moved into how do I want to feel instead of what do I want to do?

A really phenomenal switch took place in my mind. I could feel my glass being cleared, becoming incandescent, powerful. I started called the feeling by their name, as if I was invoking goddesses, feeling into each state, love, connectedness, freedom, grace, kindness, generosity, healing, peace. Bliss, I’m telling you, bliss. Action follows the feeling, not the other way around. Let how you want to feel guide you into action. And feel into it. Often, obscenely, relentlessly, get hooked on feeling as you choose to feel!

All this, thanks to Metallica & Danielle Laporte. Pays off to change the tune once in a while, doesn’t it?

Happy New Feeling!